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27 February 2006
How To Preserve Your Penis For Posterity
by Paul A.

Let’s say you’ve got something amazing hanging between your legs and you’re dismayed to realize that, besides your wife (who doesn’t care anymore) and a few friends from your high school gym class who used to call you Hoss, NOBODY KNOWS! You’re too old to wear tight jeans and too paunchy to wear Speedos without grossing everybody out. You’re not good looking enough to be a porn star and your wife would divorce your silly-ass if you ever tried. The only advertising available to you is pissing at the urinal with your thumbs hitched in your back pocket. Back in the days of yore, before pants were invented, you would have been a GOD. Word of your Goliath-sized truncheon would have spread throughout the land. Men would have bowed before you; women would have fallen at your feet, eyes glazed with desire. But instead, your little-dicked boss is showing you zero respect and the office floozy won’t even give you a second glance. You’re just going to go through life with your big salami concertinaed into your sweaty crotch until you die; and then it’s going to rot in the ground like it never even existed. A magnificent dick just wasted.

But this doesn’t have to be your beefstick’s fate. Thanks to intrepid plaster casting pioneers and advances in tissue preservation, there are a number of ways to preserve your dick in all its raging, tumescent glory. The method you choose will depend somewhat on whether you’re alive or not.

This week we’re going to look at the pre-mortem scenario. You obviously don’t want to hive off your dick while you’re still strutting around, so you’ve got to somehow make a copy. As we learned last week, an effective method for doing this was perfected by penis preserver extraordinaire Cynthia Plaster Caster. If you have $500, and nothing better to spend it on, Cynthia herself will walk you through the process of casting your dick in plaster. But for those of modest means, there are cheaper alternatives. In recent years there has been a surge of interest in dick molding to the point where several molding kits are available online, or in sex shops, for around $50.

And of course, for the scrooges among us, it’s possible to make a mold using your own methods and materials for very little cost. The basics are all the same. Essentially, what you’re doing is making a negative impression of your dick into which a substance, usually plaster of Paris (some of the dick molding kits also have a silicone option, in case you want to make your own dildo), is poured. The mixture conforms to that impression and then hardens, leaving you with an exact copy of your penis. The beauty of making a mold of an erect penis is that as the penis shrinks to its flaccid state, it slips out of the mold, leaving the original impression intact. It’s much harder to make a cast of a body part such as a hand that must be pulled from the mold without breaking it. That said, this very feature can also make the casting problematic, as the loss of an erection before the mold sets can cause the mold to collapse, giving you a reproduction dong that looks like something like the Elephant Man’s appendage.

Any substance that will conform to the shape of your dick that will itself then hold this shape will do for the initial mold. You could stick your dick in a tub of margarine and then put this tub in the freezer and you’d get an approximation of the size and shape, although detail would certainly be lost, and anyone subsequently using the margarine would probably be less than pleased. Plasticine and modeling clay are both adequate for the task and are used in a couple of the penis casting kits. The problem, again, is that some of the finer detail, (veins and stuff) might be lost.

If detail is important, probably the simplest do-it-yourself molding technique is to dip your tool into liquid wax. This has the advantage of creating a mold with all surface details intact, right down to the hairs at the base of your dick, but also the attendant disadvantage of potentially scalding your dick, and trust me, you don't want to go there. Using a wax with a melting point just above body temperature would be ideal, but unfortunately these don’t exist. A type of wax called Flexwax has a melting point of 120 degrees, which is tolerable. But 120 degree melted wax looks just like 160 degree melted wax, and unless you have a crock-pot or some other means of regulating the temperature precisely, you run the risk of running screaming about the house with an erection covered in burning hot molten wax. Which would no doubt be astoundingly funny for viewers of World’s Funniest Home Videos, but in your best interest should probably be avoided.

I don’t recommend it, but if you’re going to go the wax route, heat the wax first and then let it cool, stirring constantly until it’s on the verge of solidifying. Then dip your dick in and out repeatedly until the wax coating on your cock is sufficiently thick. To maintain a constant erection through out this procedure it would be advisable to use a cock-ring, or some other means of constriction to prevent the penis from losing tumescence prematurely. Once the wax coating is sufficiently thick, stick your dick in a glass of cold water. This will serve the dual purpose of hardening the wax and unhardening your dick. If all goes well, you should have a perfect negative impression of your dick (hopefully, this is the only negative impression your dick will ever make). Place this mold in the freezer and allow it to harden completely.

After an hour or so, take the mold out and pour in the plaster of Paris, or whatever you’re making your fake dick out of. The best material, if you can get it, is called dental stone, available from dental supply companies. Dental stone comes in flesh tones and is used to make false teeth, so it’s very hard and durable. To eliminate bubbles that sometimes form at the surface of the casting, use a small vibrator in the mixture after you’ve poured it into the mold. The result, when it hardens should be a perfect replica of your dick that you can display proudly on the coffee table or mantle. Or if you really want to show off, you can bring it to work and claim that you made it as an assignment for your art class. Who knows, you might even score with the office floozy.

Another thing you may want to do with your casting is to make further castings using different materials. There are businesses that will cast your dick in bronze or glass or plastic - just about any material you can think of that can be poured. There are kinky types who have made door knockers out of their dicks (“Don’t knock, Bang the cock”). You could mass produce your very own dildos and sell them on Ebay (except in Texas and Georgia, of course). Rather than languishing sadly in your pants, your dick could be an inspiration to the world (just watch the hot wax)!

More info on a do-it-yourself penis molding kit.

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