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2 January 2006
You Put It WHERE???
by Paul A.

Tommy Lee is a man that knows how to have fun with his dick. And Iím not just talking about exploring Pamela Andersonís orifices (which were no doubt off the scale on the fun-o-meter). Iím talking about the way he would tuck it between his legs for a lark, or use it to turn up the throttle on his boat like it was a third hand. I empathize with this totally, and I suspect most other men do as well. When I was in college I had a roommate that used to flex his hips in a way that would send his dick whirling like a propeller. I knew another guy who photocopied his. Then thereís the whole gamut of Stupid Peeing Tricks, which weíll leave aside for the moment. And I myself know that my erect penis is exactly as wide as the inside of a toilet paper roll. How do I know this? Take a guess.

Yes, penises are fun, in a sporting and playful kind of way. Why? Itís hard to say. Part of it, to paraphrase Sir Edmund Hillary, is simply because theyíre there. Women play with their hair, dogs chase their tails and elephants are constantly waving their trunks around. Floppy body parts pretty much cry out to be messed with. Penises are also endlessly fascinating. Theyíre as variable as the weather. They shrink in cold water, they expand to the touch. They can be as hard as Indian rubber. They can shrivel like a Shar-Peige. And for the most part, outside of summoning negative fantasies about grandma, we have no control over what they do.

So, given our predilection to play with our penises, itís not surprising to find some guys doing some pretty strange things with theirs. Call them extreme penis sports enthusiasts. Over the next few weeks I intend to document some of the uses and misuses to which penises are put. The first of these Iíll group under the theme: Donít go in there! Guys love to put their knobs into things. Philip Rothís Portnoy wrapped his in a pound of liver. We all know what happened to that apple pie in American Pie. And in one memorable Saturday Night Live sketch, Adam Sandler sang quite plaintively about what he wanted to do with a chicken - ďIf an egg can fit in there, so can I!Ē

But of all the things (beside living creatures) that men want to put their dicks into, none excites the imagination quite like a vacuum cleaner. I mean, what guy hasnít at least thought about what would happen if he stuck his hose down the hose and flicked the switch. Iím guessing that most guys havenít actually done this but there are intrepid souls out there who have and thanks to them and the medical journals that recount their experiences, I can say without equivocation: Donít go in there!

For one thing, you donít always know whatís inside. All vacuums work by way of a rotating fan blade that pulls air through (creating a partial vacuum behind) Now on some of the handheld models (I know, I know, theyíre more convenient but stillÖ) have this whirling fan blade a few inches inside the throat of the machine. You might think, ďHey, nobodyís that stupid!Ē But be assured, pioneers of astounding stupidity are out there, with good sized chunks of their dicks sitting at the bottom of their Dirt Devils.

But even if youíve got the smarts to make sure youíre not sticking your Johnson into anything sharp and moving, inserting your penis into a vacuum hose and flicking the switch is not something that should be on anybodyís to-do list. For one thing, living creatures are not designed to function in a vacuum. Weíre meant to exist under a constant atmospheric pressure of 14.7 pounds per square inch. Sit some guy in a vacuum chamber, lower that pressure to zero and said guy will, well, explode.

Ditto for your dick. Now, most floor model vacuums on the market are probably not going to create a low enough pressure to cause your dick to explode but itís likely to make you feel very uncomfortable very quickly. Hereís why: Youíve got your dick shoved into the vacuum hose. You flick the switch. Suction is created. Blood is pulled into your penis (this is the principle behind penis pumps). Your penis quickly becomes enlarged and will likely press against the side of the vacuum hose creating an almost total seal. This will make the pressure even greater. And in some cases, depending on the strength of the suction and whatever structural weaknesses exist in your penis, trauma can occur. The pressure builds up, and as the song goes... somethingís gotta give. Now itís possible that millions of adventuresome spirits are enjoying meaningful relations with their Electrolux every day and Iím only reading about the cases where something goes wrong. But trust me when I say this. Things can go wrong. Iíve seen the pictures and they ainít pretty.

Of the injuries reported, most have involved a laceration or shredding of the glans (the head of the penis) Think this is bad? This is as good as it gets. Other reported traumas have included the complete detachment of the glans. Another type of vacuum injury was referred to rather euphemistically as a ďdegloving.Ē Yikes! In one case (and I still canít figure out how it happened) a man lost two inches of his urethra.

And even if your dick doesnít explode, thereís a chance that you will induce a priapism (an erection that is unable to drain back to the flaccid state). Youíll have to go to the emergency room with a vacuum hose dangling from your crotch. And if you canít face the embarrassment and choose instead to wait and see what happens, suffice to say that you may become a recipient of the Darwin Award, a prize given to those who, through monumentally stupid actions, remove themselves from the gene pool.

So the next time youíve got your dick in your hand and youíre looking for something to do with it. My advice: Stick with the tried and true.

Related Websites:
Med Help - The Penis

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