1 May 2008
10 Tips For Avoiding Dick Injuries
by George Atkinson
I love my dick, I really do. I mean sure, I wish it was bigger, I wish it was obedient, I can't count the number of times it's caused me at least some disappointment. But on the whole I'm glad that it's there. So it always comes as something of a shock when I read about the gruesome things that some men do to their dicks.
Now it should be noted that most of these ghastly injuries are completely unintentional if somewhat short-sighted. The urology journals are replete with case after case of horror stories - told in the most clinical and detached manner - of men who had no idea when they woke up in the morning that they would be undergoing penile reconstruction before nightfall. In the interests of brevity let me summarize ten simple rules that if followed will significantly reduce your chances of succumbing to this fate.
- Always remember that your penis and testicles are soft tissue through and through. There's no bone to stop the blade/teeth/saw/gears/fan/propeller from cutting/grinding/chopping/smashing/pulverizing your meatstick into little bits. In view of this, never cook, ski, fight, drive, saw, weld, slam doors, operate machinery, play with the cat, play with the dog or lean over anything moving in the nude.
- Never attempt to leap over furniture whilst sporting an erection. Hard things can be broken, and I'm not talking about the furniture.
- Always be careful with that zipper.
- Never stick you penis through a hole in a fence unless you're very sure of your footing.
- Never piss on anything proximate to a sign that reads "Danger - High Voltage."
- Keep your dick out of that vacuum hose. Yeah I know. Dick Plus Suction = Feels Good. I'm guessing every guy has at least thought about it. Some intrepid pioneers have gone so far as to flick the on switch. I've seen the photos of the results and Bub, it ain't pretty. Among the associated injuries: Shredding of the glans and degloving. Never heard of degloving? I'll let you figure out what it means.
- Never stick a revolver into the waistband of your pants no matter how cool it looks on TV. Every man has thought about what could happen and I'm here to tell you... it happens.
- Never accept oral sex in a moving vehicle that may become a crashing vehicle in the throes of orgasm.
- Never teach your dog to eat food off your dick no matter how funny everyone thinks it is. Rover may take liberties and you really don't want to be searching through the contents of a canine stomach looking for your dick.
- Always seek medical help as quickly as possible after any dick-injury, NO MATTER HOW EMBARRASSED YOU ARE. Okay, you've done something really stupid and now your dick's all fucked up. A moment of abashment is in no way equal to a lifetime of peeing sitting down.
The above rules cover most instances of penile trauma, though certainly not all. People are unbelievably creative in the things they do with their dicks and dumb bad luck plays its own role. Setting your penis on fire as a no-miss party gag (yes, it has been done) is fairly avoidable. Wearing a Prince Albert that acts as a conduit for a lightning discharge is less foreseeable.
Then there are those injuries that are deliberately induced. Usually these involve some degree of mental instability and there's little I can add except to say that there's a million irrational reasons to hurt your dick and a million ways of doing it. And according to the statistics, someone, somewhere, is trying them out right now.
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