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7 October 2007
Why Is Porn So Awful?
by Paul Aitken

Okay, I'll admit it. I watch porn. I'm not some hairy-palmed drooler sitting in his mama's basement, but like most people who spend their time staring at a computer screen I'm constantly in search of a diversion. Some people play solitaire, others shop online. I occasionally download porn. I say occasionally because over two years I've downloaded maybe sixteen clips, about half of which star Sylvia Saint (she's sooo cute).

I'd probably download more but the thing is... they're all the same. They start with the obligatory blow job followed by piston-like vaginal sex, followed by piston-like anal sex, followed by the obligatory cum-shot. End of show. No plot. No character. Lot's of wham-bam but no thank-you-ma'am. I guess I can't really complain. I do continue to watch them but I'm always left feeling slightly cheated. Not because I've paid for something I didn't get (I didn't pay anything), but because I can't help but think they could be so much better.

Take the sex... please. It's terrible. Does anybody actually have sex like this? Presumably the point of porn is to allow the viewer to vicariously live out a fantasy. But if that's the case, then shouldn't screen-sex be like the sex we would want to have? Promise me a bout of sex with Sylvia Saint and I'd do it right, man.

First of all there'd be a bit of foreplay, and I'm not talking about whipping out my king-sized dick (hey, it's my fantasy, bub) and having her bob away until I'm bored with it. I'm talking about situational foreplay. A little banter would be nice. I can accept that Sylvia Saint is no thespian, but she's probably capable of a little back-and-forth before the ol' in-and-out. It doesn't have to be Bogart and Bacall but it should be enough to convince me that this could actually happen in the real world.

Let's take a stock scenario - elevator has just broken down. Two young good-looking people are looking at each other. Now I'm sure that somewhere, sometime, two strangers have found themselves alone in an elevator, elevator breaks down and they just start going at it. But is that really the male fantasy or do we want to earn our nookie with a few clever bon mots? According to legend, Tommy Lee first seduced Pam Anderson by singing her the Oscar Meyer theme song, only with slightly different words:

My Bologna has a first name,
It's L-A-R-G-E.

Now that's a great line. And the exchange doesn't have to be much more than that. Or maybe the guy bets the woman $500 that her breasts aren't real, and it goes from there. Sex isn't just copulation. It's a dance and the dance starts when we open our mouths.

The next part of foreplay is the blow job right? Well no. How about a kiss first? Isn't that how it works in the real world? Follow that with a little groping. Next, how about undressing each other. Stretch it out a bit. This is, after all, Sylvia Saint we're talking about. Wouldn't you want to linger of bit. Ditto when the clothes are off and she's before you (or your proxy in this particular fantasy) in all her naked glory. Wouldn't you want your hands and lips to take in as much as they possibly could? Once you're "plugged in" the physical logistics of sex preclude that kind of glorious exploration. The time for wandering is at the beginning.

Now for the sex itself. In my view the best sex is kind of like soul music. There's a steady beat to be sure but within that beat there are nuances, curves, and the shock of syncopation. It's not just in-and-out, it's up and down and round and round. There's a reason why people have sex to Barry White. Porno sex is uni-dimensional and it has two speeds, fast and faster. The music of porno sex is less soul than speed metal. Who has sex to speed metal?

Now for the anal sex. I've nothing against anal sex. It's great when you can get it. But the sad fact is that most woman HATE anal sex. Knowing this, it's hard to watch some dude stick a dick the size of my forearm up some poor girl's butt. For the first bit their plastered on smile is twisted in a grimace. It hurts. And while I'm sure there are guys out there who get off on their partners pain, I'm not one of them. I suspect most guys aren't, either. For guys who want to watch anal sex, it should be available, like an option. It needn't part of every porno package.

Now for cum shot. Can anybody tell me what the cum shot is all about? If I'm having sex with Sylvia Saint, the last thing I'm going to want to do is pull out and spew all over her face. I'm guessing it's the last thing she'd want too. Ejaculating outside the vagina is the kind of thing horny teens were forced to do before they invented The Pill. Nobody chose it as preference. So why do we have to see it on screen? And why-oh-why does it have to be all over poor Sylvia's pretty face? Having to deal with my own jism is bad enough. I sure as hell don't want to look at some other guy's spunk dripping off some poor girl's chin.

The cum shot also known as the "money shot" is the true mystery of porn to me. The sine qua non of porn sex. Porn actors have to forgo sex for days before filming so they'll be able to spew in sufficient quantity. It also places enormous demands on the performers. And for what? The theory is that it makes the act of sex seem authentic. Why blasting cum is inherently more authentic than having a cock piston in and out of a vagina is beyond me. I truly don't get it.

Now, I know a lot of you out there will be thinking, this guy doesn't want hardcore, he wants softcore. He should be renting Emmanuelle or the Red Shoe Diaries. But the problem with these shows is that they don't show enough. The sex is all implied. It has to be because they're not actually having sex. And accordingly, we're missing something. The act of witnessing a large penis slowly enter a woman's vagina is exciting. It's a turn on. But it doesn't have to be everything. Just watching a cock piston in and out for ten minutes is boring. The idea should be to try as much as possible to bring the viewer into the act. Sex is a whole body experience, the penis is not the only participant. Watching the whole body is important to conveying the experience. Simply have a close up of a dick going in out reminds the viewer of just how silly the whole thing looks when stripped of context. It may not be a turn-off but it's certainly not a turn-on.

Maybe porn isn't about turning men on. Maybe it's less a vehicle for fantasy than a spectator sport. Seen through this lens it all starts to make sense. We're not vicariously watching proxy versions of ourselves; we're witnessing an athletic performance. Hence the cum shot, the ridiculously uncomfortable positions and the plethora of amateur porn clips. It's not about turning us on, it's about impressing us. And I suppose that has worth. But it occurs to me that there is a place for genuinely erotic hard core. Forget plot. Forget acting. No need to stack the deck. Just show me a couple of people having great sex. Now that, I might just pay to see.

Related articles:
Subliminal Erotic Images Get Our Brains All Hot And Bothered
Male And Female Brains React Differently To Sexy Stimuli
Too Much Pornography A Problem
Study Suggests Many Adolescents Are "Heavy Porn Users"

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