Since Harvey B. vanished into the wilderness with a penis extended by 0.4 of an inch, it has fallen to me to attempt pick-up the banner and go the distance (six months of penile traction)
to determine once and for all if the Pro Extender, also known as the Jes-Extender, is for real.
The claims are certainly impressive. One website allowed me to key in
my current measurements (6 inches) and calculate my future measurements.
According to the calculator (and these things don't lie), if I wear the
device 12 hours a day at the recommended tension, I'll have nine inch
club by Christmas. I can't wait! Other websites claim a more moderate
24 percent increase. But I've seen websites for herbal growth formulas that
claim guaranteed gains that exceed these amounts and we all know they're bunkum.
So what can we believe? Penis extender websites are SELLING penis
extenders and the more gains they claim the more sales they make. Other
websites flogging different products denounce penis extenders, claiming
that while they may add length, they actually reduce girth. Still
others highlight the hazards; blood supply constriction leading to
tissue necrosis, gangrene and... eek! Amputation! Unbiased objectivity
is obviously needed here and over the next six months that's what I
intend to provide. I will follow the manufacturer's instructions and
recommendations as closely as possible. I will provide a weekly account
of my measurements and experiences. In the cacophony of hucksters and penile product
mongers mine will be the lone voice of truth!
The Pro Extender operates on the principle that when subject to
constant stress, tissue breaks down and rebuilds itself, creating cells
to fill the empty space. A moment's thought reveals why this would be
necessary. If it weren't so, any differential growth between body parts
would result in horrible malformations, bones sticking through flesh
etc. We've all seen pictures of African tribesmen with lips wrapped
around platters the size of desert plates. Woman with rings that have
stretched their necks beyond what Audrey Hepburn could have achieved in a lifetime of yoga and good posture. After a billion or so years of evolution, the body has learned to adjust.
Sounds reasonable but can it work with the penis? The penis isn't just
muscle tissue. It has a complex internal structure, with spongy tissue
and cavities that fill with blood. And even if it is possible to increase
length, what about width? The manufacturers of penile traction devices
claim increases in girth as well as length. But how is this possible?
Women who don't wear bras develop breasts that are longer AND thinner.
Nobody wants a ten inch pencil dick so what gives? And what, if any, are the limitations
(assuming the claims are true)? Could a man with sufficient time and
inclination grow a penis that he could tie around his waist as a sash?
Questions. Questions. Questions. It's time now to learn some answers.
WEEK ONE - DAY ONE
The Extender has arrived. It comes in a dark mahogany box with the
logo tastefully embossed on the cover. Inside the
component pieces lie disassembled but it's clear from the moment the
lid is raised that this is no Wal-Mart special. This baby has been
finely engineered. In all there are 23 components, all milled to exacting specifications.
This is the dick stretcher the CIA uses!
Enclosed is a an instruction booklet that details the means of penis
enlargement, methods of use and warnings of misuse. In spite of the
obvious engineering that has gone into its construction, the device is
a paragon of simplicity. In essence the device is a rack, resting on a
plastic base, through which the penis is inserted. Another base (front
piece) lies at the end of a series of metal inserts, into which two
ends of a length of silicone are to be inserted, creating a loop which
is fastened below the glans (head of the penis) Once the penis is
strapped in, springs elongate the penis and provide the necessary
traction. This traction can be increased by rotating threaded bolts at
either side of the device. Once inside and fully stretched the penis can be set at any angled desired.
Sounds pretty clear. Let's strap this sucker on.
Hmm. It's immediately apparent that practice and theory are at odds here.
Just slip the glans through the silicone noose and secure. My ass! I
need three hands. One to press down on the spring, one to pull on my
dick and the other to tighten the noose. My dick knows something bad is
going to happen and it's trying to retreat. With a little dexterity I
succeed but it hurts like hell. The kit comes with a spongy protection pad. I try that.
Much, much better. I can barely feel it now. In fact when I turn the
screws to increase tension it actually feels... well... rather nice.
For some reason the silicone tubing provided is the wrong size. It
barely fits through the holes in the front piece and there's no way in
hell the folded ends of the tube will lock into the grooves in the
underside. Why would this be? My theory is some guy at the dick
stretcher factory ordered the wrong size. The problem with this is that
the ends of the tube are relatively stiff and stick out. If I use it in
the down position the ends of the tube dig into my leg. If I flip it up, the ends stick straight out.
In loose fitting clothes this has the effect of pushing the fabric out
several inches. It's looks like I have a noticeable, if very small,
erection. Hardly the thing you want to be flitting about with in public.
The problem is that I can't order the proper part. You can separately
order every single component (at wildly inflated prices) except the silicone straps. No matter. Silicone tubing is available. I just have to get the right size and apologize to the salesperson for
only buying eight inches worth.
I have got hairs on my dick, and not just a few. Towards the base I'm
positively furry. How is it I've lived my whole post-adolescent life
and never noticed it? I notice now because these hairs keep jamming up
the works. There are multiple screws and knobs that must be turned to
adjust tension and angle. And every time I try I rip another few hairs
out of my dick. Should I shave? Has anyone in the history of mankind
ever shaved his dick?
I try setting the angle in different positions. In the down position I
look like Tommy Lee. I take a measurement. Fully extended my penis is 5.75 inches. I'm in awe. My maximum skin busting erection never exceeded 6 inches. I strut around for a bit, naked. So far so good. But when I try to sit it becomes a problem. No matter what angle I set it at, my balls are in
the way. They push up into the mechanism. As long as I sit, perched at
the front of the chair with my testicles hanging it feels fine. The
moment I sit back in the chair it hurts, especially if I try to lean
forward. This may be one of the things I'll just have to get used to.
I've now worn this thing for about one hour without serious discomfort.
I've got to leave on some errands. I'm not prepared to wear this
outside so I'll take it off. The guide tell you to wear the extender
for four hours a day for the first two weeks then gradually increasing
the time to 12 hours per day. Not sure I can ever spend 12 hours a day
hanging off the end of my chair by the hairs on my ass. Maybe I'll wear
it at night. It seems like it should be comfortable enough. We'll see...
WEEK ONE - DAY TWO
I've heard of recurring nightmares but this is ridiculous. I've had the
same nightmare twice inside of two hours. I wore the stretcher. I had
it on too tight. I woke up and the tip of my penis was gray. I had
strangled the life out of my dick and now it was dead. It would have to be amputated. Every time I woke up I'd check to make sure it was still pink. Or wait... is it purple? Purple's okay isn't it? It gets purple when it's engorged. But this isn't engorged. It's a shrunken nub. I
take it off. My penis collapses gratefully against my loins. It seems
alright. I contemplate putting it back on. I'm supposed to wear it four
to five hours a day to start. A quick calculation tells me I've worn
this device for 3.5 hours. Good enough. Good night.
The next day I get an early start. There's some residual soreness from the night before. I decide to try it with clothes on. They say you can wear it under loose fitting clothes. I've had my doubts but I give it a shot. I try it in the up position but the ends of the silicone tube stick out. (You're supposed to fold them into notches on the underside
of the front plate but it seems the tube is too wide to fit in) I secure the ends with an elastic band. Not bad. With an untucked t-shirt, I can barely see it. I check out my profile in the mirror. There is a slight protrusion, nothing that would turn any heads but it's there for any trained dick-stretcher spotters to see.
I try it next in the down position. It is now completely invisible.
Can't sit down or pick anything up but for anyone who spends their day
just standing around, the down position would work fine. I need to sit
to work so I flip the jig up. I try sitting back in the chair. For some
reason today it works. I can feel the springs compress in response to
the increased tension. I check the tension settings. In full upright
seated position the tension is almost 1200 grams. I go to an online
metric converter and learn the 1200 grams is equal to a little less than 3 pounds. Doesn't seem like that much until I remember the 3 pound bag of apples I bought the other day and it hits me. I'm hanging a three pound bag of apples off my dick! It doesn't take long before the pain begins. At first it's just a whisper, then a nagging annoyance. Finally it starts to shriek and I can't think enough to work. I take it off. The underside of my glans is red and sore.
So far, over two days, I've worn this thing a total of 6 hours.
Ultimately I'm supposed to wear it for 12 hours a day. Is that even possible? According to the instruction booklet, 12 hours per day for 2 months is equal to 2 hours a day for 12 months. I vaguely recollect that this is the commutative principle. Feeling very mathematical I calculate how much my dick has grown thus far. According to the booklet I should be .0075 inches longer. According to Kinsey the average male is 6.22 inches erect. That means I should be bigger than average in less than a month. I guess we'll see.
WEEK ONE - DAY THREE
My penis is still sore. I forgo the torture device for the day.
Thanks to ProExtender for making this device available for review.
Catch up with all the episodes of Paul's Extender Perils...
