Managing A Dick-Stretcher Malfunction

11 September 2006
Managing A Dick-Stretcher Malfunction
by George Atkinson

Week 34

I've been slipping out lately. Anyone who wears one of these dick-traction things knows what I mean. You've walking along a crowded street, or standing in the elevator, when all of a sudden you feel something. It's a feeling that's hard to describe. Sometimes it's a slight pinching feeling. Other times it just feels... different. When it happens the first time you may not be able to identify what exactly the sensation is. But rest assured you will soon find out. When the sensation hits, your time is limited. It can be as long as ten minutes, or it could be as short as ten seconds. The best policy, however, is to act quickly. If you don't, your stretcher is going to pop-free of your dick and go clanking to the floor; and if anybody is standing around when this happens, you're going to have some fast talking to do.

I've slipped out at least a half-dozen times now, and I'm not counting the times when I've been alone and it didn't matter. I'm talking street, store, restaurant etc. The last time it happened I was sitting on the subway. I had maybe twenty seconds warning.

I grabbed a discarded Chinese language newspaper and proceeded to read it with great interest. When I felt myself "disengage," I reached into my shorts (from the bottom) deftly pulled out the stretcher and surreptitiously slipped the whole thing into my pocket. Phew, nobody was the wiser (I think). One other time, it fell clattering to the pavement as I was crossing an intersection (no warning that time). Again, I managed to pocket it without apparent detection. Other times I've put my hand in my pocket and secured the thing temporarily while sneaking away to deal with it in private.

Slipping out is definitely a problem, perhaps an unavoidable one. But there are ways to minimize the possibility of embarrassment. Here's some tips that you may find handy in those malfunction moments.

• Wear the extender snugly. The means the silicone tubing loop should be as small as possible. Ideally this means that the loop extends laterally from the two holes the tubing fits through. This is difficult in practice because it means the head of your dick will stick out over the top of the front plate which can be uncomfortable. It's a design flaw but what can you do?

• Keep the tension at a reasonable level. Nine-hundred grams is okay. Much above that is problematic. The more tension on your dick, the more likely it is to slip out. I know, I know, the higher the tension the faster the gains, but patience me lad, you'll get there eventually and with a lot less potential embarrassment if you go easy.

• Always be cognizant of the need for a quick exit. Know where the bathrooms are and at all times HAVE A PLAN. If this seems like an unreasonable encroachment on your mental landscape, rest assured that it soon becomes second nature - just like that guy in The Bourne Identity. In fact, if it helps, think of yourself as that guy in The Bourne Identity:

  He surveys the crowded room. His eyes are cool, appraising. He's wearing a top secret dick stretcher and if his secret is discovered it could mean the end of civilization as we know it. At the very least it will fuck up his chances of dating Suzie from the temp pool.

• Have a worst-case scenario mapped out. If your stretcher hits the floor while you're giving the toast to the groom, be prepared with an explanation. Here's a few you can try:
  • Goddamn it! That's the second time today. I keep forgetting I've got a hole in that pocket. What is it? Beats the fuck out of me. That guy over there left it on the (fill in the blank).

  • What is it? It's called a stabilizer. Well, if you must know, I'm prone to getting erections, especially when I'm talking to pretty women such as yourself, and when I get them it's... how should I say this... it's VERY noticeable.

  • What is it? It's something I have to wear. My ex-girlfriend slammed the door on my dick last year and now it bends sideways. This supposedly cures the problem. At least that's what my doctor said.

  • What is it? Sorry, I can't tell you, it's a matter of national security.

  • What is it? It's a dick stretcher. I'm writing a series of articles on it for an online men's health magazine. And guess what? It really works! I'm HUGE now.

• Finally, if you feel something happening - ACT. Don't wait for the right time. If you're in a meeting, excuse yourself. Ditto if you're chatting up Suzie at the office party. I know, I know, you're telling a killer joke, but trust me, the joke will be on you if your stretcher hits the floor before you hit your punch-line.

As with most testing moments in a man's life, it pays to be able to think on your feet and have a sense of humor. And remember, sometimes an implausible truth is better than a credible fiction.

Catch-up with the other episodes in Paul's Extender Experience.