Don�t Stick It In There!

9 January 2006
Don�t Stick It In There!
by Paul A.

I love my dick. I really do. I mean sure, I wish it was bigger; I wish it was obedient; I can�t count the number of times it�s caused me at least some disappointment. But on the whole I�m super glad that it�s there and I would never intentionally put it in harm�s way. So it always comes as something of a shock when I read about the terrible, terrible things that some men do to their dicks.

Now it should be noted that most of these terrible, terrible things are completely unintentional if somewhat short-sighted. The urology journals are replete with case after case of horror stories told in the most clinical and detached manner of men who had no idea when they woke up in the morning that they would be undergoing penile reconstruction surgery before nightfall. In the interests of brevity let me summarize with a few simple rules, which if followed, will significantly reduce your chances of succumbing to this fate.

• Always remember that your penis and testicles are soft tissue through and through. There�s no bone to stop the blade/teeth/saw/gears/fan/propeller from cutting/grinding/chopping/smashing/avulsing (grind up in machinery)/pulverizing your poor penis into little bits.

• Never cook/ski/fight/drive/saw/weld/slam doors/operate machinery/play with the cat/dog/ lean over anything moving - in the nude.

• Never stick you penis through a hole in a fence unless you�re very sure of your footing.

• Never piss on anything near a sign that reads �Danger - High Voltage.�

• Never stick your dick into any orifice that wasn�t designed for the purpose.

• Always - if you must disregard rule five - check said orifice first. This includes knot holes in trees. Knot holes are often nested by creatures who may misinterpret your intentions.

• Never accept oral sex in a moving vehicle. I know, I know, it�s a right of passage. I�m just saying...

• Never attempt to leap over furniture whilst sporting an erection. Hard things can be broken and I�m not talking about the furniture. I know, I know, I�ve done it myself. I�m just saying...

• Never, stick a revolver into the waistband of your pants no matter how cool it looks on TV. Every man has thought about what could happen and I�m here to tell you... It happens.

• Never teach your dog to eat food off your dick no matter how funny everyone thinks it is. I�m willing to bet a significant portion of the population has done this to no ill effect but there have been cases where Rover has taken some extreme liberties.

• Always seek medical help as quickly as possible after dick-injury, NO MATTER HOW EMBARRASSED YOU ARE. Delays in seeking treatment are probably the number one avoidable cause of permanent dick damage. Okay, you�ve done something really stupid and now your dick�s all fucked up. A moment of abashment is in no way equal to a lifetime of peeing sitting down.

• Always be careful with that zipper.

• Never engage in games of one-upmanship over who can suspend the greatest weight from his dick.

• Never masturbate if you�ve been working with super-glue.

• Never masturbate with anything that�s plugged in to a mains socket.

The above rules cover most instances of penile trauma though certainly not all. People are unbelievably creative in the things they do with their dicks and bad luck plays its own role. Setting your penis on fire as a no-miss party gag (yes, it has been done) is fairly avoidable. Wearing a metallic penile adornment that can act as a conduit for a lightning strike is less foreseeable.

There�s a whole class of injuries that I�ll call �If a little is good then a lot must be better.� Under this category I�ll include overdoses of Viagra and Papavarine (an impotence drug that is injected directly into the penis). The danger is that they can induce a priapism, a condition where blood is unable to drain from the erect penis. I�ll write more about priapisms in a future column, but suffice to say that the condition is painful and can lead to tissue death if left untreated. In this category we could also include moving up from a battery operated vibrator to the rubber pad of an orbital sander. Penis extenders could induce ischemia (strangulation) if worn too tightly for too long. Moderation, as in all things, is the key.

Then there are those injuries that are deliberately induced. Usually, these involve some degree of mental instability and there�s little I can add except to say that there�s a million irrational reasons to hurt your dick and a million ways of doing it. Believe me when I say that, one-by-one, they�re being explored.

Related Websites:
Med Help - The Penis

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