In what political commentators are calling unfair and sexist, Congress today voted unanimously to support President Bush's new penis tax. The tax, which will be levied by the IRS on all American males over the age of 18, will, according to IRS estimates, raise at least US$20BN in its first year of operation. "This tax represents a big step forward", said Senator Richard Head of Missouri. "It's all about enjoyment. For years we've been taxing things like tobacco and alcohol that people derive pleasure from and now we've taken the next logical step by taxing men on the use of their penis. If they get pleasure from it then we should be taxing it, that's our view. But it's fair, we won't be taxing it in its flaccid state, only its erect state."
The tax itself is calculated using a formula which takes into account the total time over a year the penis is erect and also the size of the penis. To further complicate matters three different adjustment scales are then applied depending on whether the majority of erections were achieved accidentally, through a partner or self-stimulation. "We don't want to penalize men who can't control when they get an erection. That's not our motive", said Wayne Kerr, IRS spokesperson.
The tax itself uses the following formula;
Tax Payable="SF" x HE x ST
Where SF (size factor) Less than 3 inches (0.5) 3-4.5 inches (0.7) 4.5-5.5 inches (0.8) 5.5-6.5 inches (1.0) 6.5- 8.0 inches (1.2) Above 8.0 inches (1.5)
HE (hours erect) The total hours in a year the penis was actually erect.
ST (stimulation adjustment) Non intentional erections (1.6) Erections achieved without partner (1.9) Erections achieved with partner (2.3)
"If someone has a high sex drive, they could be looking at a tax bill of around $1500 for the year", said Kerr. "We'll make sure that people keep log books on their penis state and the time spent erect. It'll be a hard job but we will impose stiff penalties on anyone we find not complying." The new tax is expected to be introduced on April 1st 2002.
