Last week I wrote about what would happen if your dick was sliced off. The happy conclusion we came to was that, assuming the gods are smiling on you, the severed member can be reattached. Let�s move now to a different scenario. Say you decide to go for a late night skinny dip and a big groper decides your dangly bit is midnight snack. Or maybe you take a piss on a high voltage line and when you come to there�s nothing but a charred stump where Ol� Glory used to fly. If there�s no penis to sew back on, the chances of resuming a normal sex life over the next couple of years are pretty slim. But does that mean you have to go through life penis-free? Up until very recently the answer to that question would have been a sympathetic shrug and an offer to buy you a beer, but no longer!
According to a 2001 report in Russian newspaper Pravda, doctors in Russia have succeeded in growing a new penis on a young man�s arm. The young man (identified only as Malik) did in fact urinate on a high voltage line, and his Russian love machine was converted to a small pile of soot. To make the new penis, a cut was made on Malik�s forearm and a 12 cm (5 inch) latex tube was inserted and slowly expanded until it took on the shape of a penis. The appendage was then excised, fashioned with an artificial urethra and stitched into its rightful place. Now I know what you�re thinking, but Pravda does mean truth in Russian. And who else but those mammoth-cloning Russians would think of something so totally out there. Well, as it turns out... lots of others. These days Nip/Tuck is part of popular culture, and what with the explosion of transgender operations - both male to female (MTF) and female to male (FTM) - there�s a veritable dick making industry out there with a nomenclature all its own. The �Gold Standard� in dick making these days - as practiced on young Malik - is known as Radial Forearm Free Flap Phalloplasty. Say that three times quickly.
The basic idea behind this procedure was the revelation that when subjected to tension, skin grows. Now when you think about it, this would have to be the case or growing up would really, really hurt and childbirth would be the least painful part of pregnancy. Skin expanders have been used for years to generate skin grafts for burn victims and even to stretch the skin on the hair producing part of the scalp, to allow it to cover bald spots. The magic of this is that the skin isn�t just stretching. It�s growing. New skin cells are being formed. This is the principle behind penis extenders, by the way.
Now, why the forearm, you might ask? Well a casual glance will tell you. The underside of the forearm is about the only hairless place on the male body. The last thing anybody wants is a furry dick. And when you run your fingers along it feels smooth and, err, rather dick-like (if you have better ideas for a dick growing location be sure to let us know). And it�s not like you�ll have a dick hanging off your arm for six months. The penis is only constructed when the skin is fully stretched. And then it�s hived off and transplanted. You�re left with a scar but so what, you�ll have a new dick!
Alright, it�s a fake dick and that�s obviously not as much fun as the real deal, but you�ll be able to piss out of it and that�s saying something. In fact when you get past a certain age that�s pretty much all you do with it anyway. But what if you want to have sex, Can you? The answer to that is a very qualified yes. The vast majority of these operations are performed on FTM transgender patients, although a growing number are being performed on men with micro-penis syndrome. Now, I know a lot of you guys out there are thinking; �That�s me,� but micro-penises are really micro. Sometimes less than an inch when fully erect. They�re associated with a lack of androgen production during the 2nd and 3rd trimester of fetal gestation and are closer to being a clitoris (which is in fact an undeveloped penis � hence the very gratifying response in women when it�s gently stroked) than a normal penis.
Plastic surgeons have recently been experimenting incorporating the micro-penis (or clitoris) into the surface of the transplanted dick. Patients are then given a urethra to enable them to urinate, and an inflatable penile prosthesis is inserted into the prosthetic dick to allow for erection and sexual intercourse. And because the actual penis (or clitoris) is part of the package, they get to enjoy the sensations through their new dick.
So, what about the scenario where a big fish has just gobbled down your bed-flute? Unfortunately, the most sensitive part of the penis is just under the glans (hence the expression �choking the chicken�) and in our scenario this very section has long since been digested and excreted by a big ugly fish. Your lover may brag to her friends that you can �Go all night!� with your reconstructed equipment, but the sad truth is that you probably won�t want to. If the groper left a significant portion, say, a third of your dick intact, then you may succeed in achieving the Big �O.� But if all you�ve got left is a big zero, then sorry, Bub. You�re out of luck. Build it and you won�t cum�
But before you get all depressed, remember science is on your side. Come back next week and read about the dick-making possibilities that lie just around the corner.
Pic courtesy Pravda
