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1 April 2008
History's Greatest Dicks The Top 10 Tools
by Paul Aitken

When I was asked to compile a definitive list of the greatest dicks of all time I figured it would be a snap. Type: "top ten greatest dicks Wikipedia" into Google. Copy. Paste. Print. Job done. Alas, this strategy fails on two fronts.

First, there is no Wikipedia entry for the top ten greatest dicks. There's not even an acknowledged world record holder. The current record holder is out there somewhere but the field is so crowded with hucksters and shameless self-promoters with a talent for Photoshop, that it's hard to know where the truth lies.

Secondly, greatness is not a necessarily a quantitative issue. Even if we had hard scientific data on the ranking sizes of dickdom it wouldn't mean much to list the guys with the top ten biggest dicks. You wouldn't know who they were.

No, for a dick to be truly great there must be myth, legend and lore surrounding it, and preferably, its possessor. Some men are famous for their dicks. Some dicks are notable because they're attached to famous men. In compiling this list, I've included both. It's been an entirely subjective exercise and I'll let you be the judge.

10 Jonah Falcon
According to the Channel Four documentary World's Biggest Penis, Jonah is the guy with the whale-sized cock. Hmm, but is it really the biggest? Jonah has a huge dick alright (almost as big as his ego), but his purported measurements s appear to be exaggerated. He claims to be 9 inches soft and 13.5 erect, but check out his photos and I'd say he sports more like an 11 incher 2.5 inches short of his claim. Don't get me wrong, 11 inches is one hell of a dick, but it's not a record breaker. Nevertheless, given his acquired status as the numero uno big dick, he deserves inclusion in our penis pantheon. Jonah and his dick came to fame several years back when he appeared in an HBO documentary called Private Dicks: Men Exposed. He was later featured in a Rolling Stone article in 2003 and has been a guest several times on the Howard Stern Show. He made a game attempt to branch out into acting but has never played more than background roles. Now at 37, he's a living testament to the fact that a big dick is just that and no more.

Ah yes, speaking of shameless self promoters, this list would not be complete without the King of All Media and his famous trouser snake. As everyone who has ever listened to the Howard Stern Show knows, Howard won't shut up about the size of his dick. So how big is it? Well, according to Mr. Stern he's hung like a three-year-old. It's an exaggeration of course. In a moment of rare candor, Howard confessed his penis was in the 5-to-6 inch range. In other words he was average. So what's an average sized penis doing amongst all the titanic truncheons on this list? Because by boasting about the smallness of his prick, Mr. Stern made all the small-dicked men in America feel a little better about themselves, and for that alone his cock deserves to stand proudly with the all-time greats.

8 Napoleon
Another little 'un makes our list. This time Napoleon's bone apart (a bad pun perhaps, but it was allegedly chopped off) is certainly a contender for the world's most famous preserved penis in history. Maybe even more famous than Rasputin's or Dillinger's. Type "Rasputin" and "Penis" into Google and you get 77,800 hits. Type "Napoleon" and "Penis" and you get 618,000. Mind you, "Donald Duck" and "Penis" gets you 235,000 hits, and he's dickless, so maybe this isn't such a good measure.

7 Long Dong Silver
Those of us beyond a certain age will remember this guy. Long Dong Silver, a play on Long John Silver, burst onto the late 70s porn scene sporting a cowboy hat and an 18 inch cock. In his brief but meteoric career he made films with luminaries like Marilyn Chambers and Britt Ekland. Long Dong retired from porn in the mid 80s but returned to fame in the early 90s during the Supreme Court confirmation hearings for Clarence Thomas. Apparently, Mr. Thomas attempted to seduce an underling (Anita Hill) by suggesting his cock was longer than Mr. Silver's. He was lying of course. Long Dong's cock, like all 18 inch cocks, existed more in reel life than in real life. It turned out that John's long dong was actually a latex prosthetic.

6 John Dillinger
Speaking of 18 inch dicks, perhaps the most infamous cock in US history belonged to the 1930s gangster, John Dillinger. Rumored to be between 12 inches and 22 inches, it was the talk of America in the days and weeks following his death at the hands of the FBI. In the 1950s rumors began to circulate that the penis was so impressive that it had been removed and was housed in the Smithsonian Museum. The rumor gained such traction that ever since then the Smithsonian has had to deal with hundreds of requests every year to see the exhibit. It doesn't exist of course. John Dillinger's dick was still attached to him when he was buried and no, it wasn't upwards of 12 inches. How did the rumor start? Well, probably from this picture here. And yes, in case you were wondering, stiffs can get stiffies but this is no dick tenting the sheets. It's his arm. The illusion is the result of the angle of the photo. Nevertheless, the legend persists and in light of that, Mr Dillinger deserves a place in our pantheon of great wangs.

5 Priapus
Speaking of impossibly huge dicks that don't really exist, check out this guy. Priapus was a minor Greek deity of spectacular proportions as this Pompeian fresco depicts. And who better to join our pantheon than an actual God. According to legend, Priapus was thwarted in an attempted rape of the nymph Lotis and his unrequited lust eventually resulted in a large and permanent erection, hence the term priapism to describe a painfully enduring erection. Images and sculptures of Priapus were often placed at the entrance to country estates to ward off thieves, the implication being, if you steal from this house, this guy is going to fuck you up the ass.

4 Tommy Lee
There are no doubt bigger-dicked celebrities than Tommy Lee. Steve McQueen's penis was described as being the size like two Coors cans welded together. Janice Dickinson said when Liam Nesson unzipped his pants, "an Evian bottle fell out." When a reporter asked the witty Ava Garder what she was doing with a 112 pound Frank Sinatra she quipped that 12 pounds was Frank and the rest was his dick. There are thousands of celebrities past and present, and if their dicks follow the same size distribution as the general population, then it's a statistical certainty that there are some whopping celebrity dicks out there. But first hand accounts are notoriously unreliable. I've seen film clips of a naked Liam Neeson and while he isn't small, he's not packing an Evian bottle either. At least Tommy's is out there for the world to see in that famously grainy home video. It's not two Coors can welded together but it's a whopper nevertheless. Tommy Lee was reported to have been embarrassed when the sex tapes of his and Pam's honeymoon were distributed over the web but it was the best career move he ever made. Before the tape he was just a drummer in a rock band. Now his dick is more celebrated than he is. As such, Tommy Lee is our token celebrity in the top ten todgers of all time.

3 Mandingo
While there are many pretenders to the title of biggest dick in porn, including Lex Steele, Mr Biggz, Jack Napier, Tony T and others, it's generally accepted that Mandingo (b. Fred Lamont) is the biggest of the lot. While, like his porn star brethren, Mandingo claims a dick in excess of 13 inches, he is likely closer to 11 or 12. But even more remarkable than his prodigious length is the thickness, easily as large as a man's wrist. Mandingo has starred in numerous porn films and has been established as a cultural touchstone thanks to being name-checked in movies and rap lyrics.

2 John Holmes
Although his wasn't the largest cock to ever grace the blue screen (all the above mentioned are bigger) John Holmes' is perhaps the most celebrated penis ever. Like all porn stars (hell, like all men) Holmes exaggerated the size of his penis. He claimed it was anywhere from 12 to 15 inches. His official stats list it at 13.5 inches. In truth it was between 10 and 10.5. No matter, at the peak of his career he was the biggest in the business. In fact, his dick set a standard for penile excess that forever changed the porn industry. The story of his rise through the porn business was the basis for the Boogie Nights movie. It was also the stuff of legend.

1 Rasputin
Ra Ra Rasputin, Russia's greatest love machine. The greatest dick of all time belonged to this simple Russian peasant. Why? It was huge, reportedly over 12 inches when erect. It is also steeped in mystery and was a key player in one of the most pivotal events in 20th century history. Rasputin was rumored to have been sleeping with the Russian Queen (and at least one of her daughters). He ultimately became a key advisor to the royal family and accordingly earned the jealous wrath of certain members of the nobility who set out to kill him. When they did they reputedly severed his penis from his body and flung it across the room. It was discovered the next day by a maid who took it home with her. The putatively preserved penis has recently been rediscovered and is currently on display at a museum in St. Petersburg.

Rasputin's Knob The Greatest Penis Of Them All?
The Myth Of Dillinger's Dick
Howard Stern Rescuing The Small Guy From Ignominy
Tenting The Toga
Napoleon The Little General

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