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27 April 2008
Cocks Of Rock
by Paul Aitken

There has never been a form of music as dick-centered as rock 'n' roll. Disco was sexually suggestive and hip-hop is sexually aggressive but rock 'n' roll more than either is a celebration of the dick and the promise of the pleasure it could bring if you would just say; "yeah, baby, ooh baby, yeah."  Dicks have adorned album covers, been hauled out on stage, cast in plaster and paraded in an endless series of "stolen" private sex tapes.  They're conspicuous the world over thanks to tight spandex pants, and while the guitar might symbolize rock 'n' roll, the dick runs a close second, thanks in no, er, small part to the following cocks of rock.

The Cucumber Wrapped In Foil
I shouldn't need to explain this one but just in case there's someone who hasn't seen the movie Spinal Tap, the scene goes like this:  bass player can't get through the airport metal detector.  After discarding his belt etc. the security guard hauls out the "wand" which goes off each time as it passes over the bass player's crotch.  He finally reaches into his pants and pulls out a cucumber wrapped in tin foil. I know what you're thinking, tin foil wouldn't set off the alarm and it's redundant anyway. Actually, that's not what you're thinking. You're thinking that was a pretty funny scene and it was right up there with the "turn it to 11" scene.  Don't get that reference?  Rent the movie, buddy.

Warren Cuccurullo
A long time member of Duran Duran and founding member of Missing Persons, Warren also enjoyed a sporadic career as a gay porn idol. But in the context of this column Warren is included because he is the first rock musician who modeled for a dildo, an 8 inch number called the "Rock Rod."

David Cassidy
The former teen idol packs a whopper. Supposedly, brother Sean does as well, but I've seen pictures of David's little bro' in painted-on spandex and I'd suggest that the rumors are just that – rumors. But in David's case the rumors had substance.  In his book C'Mon Get Happy – Fear and Loathing on the Partridge Family Bus, Cassidy acknowledged his prodigious member and told how his brothers called him "Donk" – apparently a hybrid of Dink and Donkey.  It's probably unfair that a teen idol should also be blessed with a big dick, but for those inclined to live vicariously, David assures us he put his attributes to good use.

David Spinozza
David Spinozza was known for three things. 1) He was one of the best studio guitarists in the biz. 2) He had one of the biggest dicks.  3) He was famous for whipping it out at the slightest provocation.  So (in)famous were his spontaneous exposures that once when accepting an award for Best Studio Guitarist, Spinozza drolly declared; "no, I'm not going to whip it out."

Jimi Hendrix
Yep, Jimi had a big 'un. How do we know? Because it's been preserved for posterity thanks to the pioneering work of Cynthia Plaster Caster.  While Cynthia eventually cast numerous rock cocks, Jimi was her first and he remains the star of her collection.  Apparently Jimi wasn't happy with the result. He claimed to be flying at half-mast. But even at half-mast Jimi does better than most of us at full-sail. It was only 6 inches long but it was as thick as your wrist. 

That Sticky Fingers Dick
Along with Abby Road and Dark Side of the Moon, it's one of the most famous album covers ever.  VH1 named it the greatest cover of all time. Why?  The cover is a denim-clad crotch with a very noticeable impression of a large penis hanging to the right of a real zipper that you could pull up and down.  Given that most fans of the Rolling Stones were men this might seem decidedly gay, and indeed, the man who designed the cover, Andy Warhol, was as gay as they come but at the time it came out the cover was seen as merely daring and provocative.  For a while it was rumored that the model for the cover was none other than Mick himself, but in fact the dick in question belonged to Warhol protégé Joe Dallesandro.

Mick Jagger
Let's get this straight, Mick Jagger doesn't have the biggest dick in rock 'n' roll. In fact, in a 2005 interview Keith Richards described Mick's wedding tackle as; "huge balls, small cock." Mick apparently wasn't too happy with that disclosure. But whatever its size, Mick's dick saw more action than almost any other of his generation and at any given point in any given performance it was likely closer to the audience than any other part of his body. More than any other white guy Mick gave the cock its central place in rock 'n' roll folklore.

John Lennon
His dick's pretty average, actually. But at the time John Lennon went full-frontal on the Two Virgins album he was perhaps the most famous rocker on the planet.  He was one of the two main guys in the biggest pop band ever – The Beatles.  And there for the whole world to see was a Beatle dick!  You say you wanna revolution? Well, you know…  Apparently Paul McCartney wasn't happy. No matter.  As in much of what the Beatles did, no one had done it before and it's doubtful anybody's done it since. John Lennon may not have had the sex appeal of Mick Jagger but he had more stones than all of the Stones put together.

Jim Morrison
According to sometime lover Grace Slick, Jim was big. How big? Well, that's hard to say exactly.  And it's beside the point. Jim Morrison is included in our Top Ten list not so much for what he had but for what he did with it, and I'm not talking about what he did with Grace or Gertrude the Groupie. Jim Morrison is famous for being the first rock star to whip out his dick in concert.  The "Miami incident" led to his arrest and conviction on misdemeanor charges of profanity and indecent exposure.

Tommy Lee
What is there to say about Tommy's dick that hasn't already been said?  Besides having a hefty penis, Tommy pioneered the art of sex-tape PR.  Along with the "accidental" release of the sex videos he made with Pamela Anderson, Tommy's pocket rocket sent his career into the stratosphere.  Unlike his dick, he may have been thin on talent, but this boy has more brains than he's given credit for.

History's Greatest Dicks – The Top 10 Tools
The Conspicuous Penis: Crotch Watching
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Creative Spark Means Artists Have More Success At Sex

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