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3 April 2006
Fear, Loathing And The Little Bitty Penis
by Paul A.

Years ago I read an article about how Elvis Costello was approached in a bar by a young woman who asked what he thought of her favorite singer, Ray Charles. Costello, who at the time was still cultivating the image of a surly young punk, dismissed Ray Charles as a "blind ignorant n*gger". In response to this nasty and derogatory remark, the woman slapped Costello and screamed, "Anybody so mean and hateful must have a little bitty dick!"

Ray and Elvis have since patched things up but you don’t forget a line like that. Not only did he have a little dick. He had a little bitty dick. Ouch. Even if Costello was hung like Tommy Lee he couldn’t exactly yank down his pants and show her. It’s the perfect putdown; an accusation that’s impossible to defend.

Words like "tiny" and "penis" when used in the same sentence can sink an arrow through any man’s heart. Suggesting that a man has a small penis is the 1000 megaton device in a woman’s insult arsenal. It’s generally held in reserve, but it’s always there for any woman who really wants to lay waste to a man’s ego. Roseanne Barr once told reporters that her ex, Tom Arnold, had a small penis. To which Tom famously retorted: "Hey, even a 747 seems small when it’s flying in the Grand Canyon."

I’m pointing the finger at women because suggesting publicly that another man has a small prick is generally not something that men do. They may tease a guy mercilessly in the shower but once the clothes are on the there’s a kind of unspoken prohibition against saying anything negative about another guy’s dick. It would certainly never be brandished as an insult. Why? That’s hard to say, but it could be empathy. Guys can take great pleasure in watching another man humiliated, but perhaps not sexually humiliated (am I the only one that always felt acutely uncomfortable when Mrs. Roper, from Three’s Company, made cutting remarks about Mr. Roper’s lack of sexual prowess?). Then there’s the danger that the other man might actually have a dick that’s bigger than yours. And let’s not forget the very real possibility that he’ll punch you out.

But none of these are of concern to a woman looking for a fast and effective method of evisceration. Sexual humiliation as a weapon is much more formidable when deployed by a woman. It might be OK for an attractive babe to express contempt for your character; but it’s another thing entirely for her to be contemptuous of your penis. You can call a fascist pig a fascist pig and he’ll only think the worse of you, his pride and masculinity remaining intact, possibly even bolstered by your attack. But suggest, within earshot of others (especially the press) that he’s got a "little bitty dick" and his ego will deflate so fast you’ll hear the hissing sound.

Maybe sometimes men deserve to be humiliated, but what about the collateral damage? Odds are, that in any group of ten guys there’s a representative from the bottom tenth percentile of penis size. How’s he going to feel upon hearing this? Not only is his little-dickedness associated with the meanness and hate but it’s worse than either of them. Meanness and hate are identified merely as indicators of the real flaw – his pathetic little dick. All his deepest, darkest fears will be realized. All the soft, comfy assurances that size wasn’t important will disappear like mist, to be replaced by the hard, pitiless realization that not only does little-dickedness matter, it’s the very worst thing imaginable to an attractive, sexually engaged woman.

Small dicked guys have a hard enough time of it without having their small-dickedness associated not only with sexual inadequacy, but with a whole slew of personal flaws. There’s long been an assumption that small dicks generate a sense of personal inadequacy that manifests itself in outward behavior. Kate Winslet, playing Rose in Titanic suggested to the builder of the great ship that his preoccupation with size may have its roots in something Freudian. And we all knew what she meant by that. I’ve heard countless speculations, again usually by women, that any given man’s pursuit of aggrandizement is a cover for sexual inadequacy. I would argue that men’s preoccupation with aggrandizement has more to do with boosting their chances of getting laid than any latent sense of sexual inadequacy; but what do I know? I’m not about to conduct a dick size survey of men who drive Grand Cherokees so this is all just psychological theorizing.

The psychological shockwave of little-dickedness had been associated with more than just compensatory behavior. I’ve heard commentators associate it with serial killers (largely unsubstantiated) and tyrants (remember Napoleon?). Last year there was an Internet rumor circulating that a propensity for hunting was associated with "small penis syndrome". A fake scientific institute called the Diminutive Male Genitalia Disorder Research Organization was given credit for conducting the study where the correlation was allegedly found. An April fool’s joke obviously, but the point is inescapable. Some wise guy or gal at PETA (the organization behind the gag) decided that anybody so mean and hateful as to kill a furry animal must have a little bitty dick!

As a fully paid-up member of the fraternity of men with little (I wouldn’t go so far as to say bitty) dicks, I wish to declare that there are many, many men with dick sizes ranging from just-shy-of-normal to shockingly-small; who are perfectly decent guys. And you would never guess from their outward behavior that they were packing a cocktail sausage between their thighs. Acting like a jerk and driving a sports car are no more indicators of dick size than the length of one’s nose.




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