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20 March 2006
Howard Stern – Rescuing The Small Guy From Ignominy
by Paul A.

Over the last few weeks I’ve catalogued a collection of knobs that could be considered legendary: Rasputin, Dillinger, Hendrix and Napoleon. All these dicks have been putatively preserved in some fashion and of course, all of them were attached to guys that are now dead. Now, there are a lot of men still in the land of the living with incredible swinging dicks. Some of them are porn stars, some of them celebrities who just happen to be packing whoppers, and no doubt there are dicks the size of your forearm belonging to unknown math nerds, garage mechanics, and of course, your girlfriend’s former lover. But the last trouser-snake I’m going to place amongst the pantheon of Legendary Dicks belongs to a guy who claims he’s hung like a pimple.

I refer, of course, to disc jockey extraordinaire Howard Stern, the self professed King of All Media and possessor of what he terms a “baby sized penis”. Now, Howard’s induction into the Penis Hall of Fame has nothing to do with his actual penis, which according to reliable accounts is nowhere near as small as he claims. Nor does it have anything to do with Stern’s notoriety, or the fact that he talks about it constantly. The reason why Howard’s penis is legendary is because of what it has accomplished. Rasputin’s may have helped bring down the Romanovs and usher in the age of communism, but it didn’t act alone. Howard’s penis on the other hand has single-handedly shifted the zeitgeist.

There have always been men with small dicks amongst us. Penis size is distributed more or less along a bell curve (a bell-end bell curve, if you like). For every guy that’s bigger than average, there’s a guy who is smaller than average. But before Howard Stern, men tended to size their penis the way Starbucks sized their coffee: Tall, Grande and Grande Supremo. No guy would admit to having a small penis. Guys didn’t even joke about that kind of thing. If some guy had a small dick, the only people joking were the guys with bigger dicks. It wasn’t generally included in the self-deprecating repertoire of most men and was too shameful an admission to be made even in jest. Apart from Woody Allen’s plaintive admission that he suffers from penis envy, Stern is possibly the first celebrity to openly admit to having a little dick. He’s certainly the first to exaggerate the smallness of his penis. His stick has become part of his shtick (along with lesbians, breasts and fart jokes, of course).

And because of Howard’s ubiquitous radio presence, admitting the smallness of one’s penis has become almost fashionable. I say almost because most men with little dicks still don’t generally advertise the fact. But thanks to Stern’s proclamations that he’s hung like a baby/three year old/pimple/acorn/raisin/pencil eraser, a great deal of the sting of having a small penis has been assuaged. And this is a good thing, because across the ages, men with small penises have had a very hard time of it. Besides the shame and derision they’ve always had to deal with from their better endowed brethren and the sometimes cruel rejection they’ve faced from women they’ve tried to bed, they are now being deluged by spam hyping the importance of dick size and trying to sell them magic pills. Women still brandish it as the ultimate weapon of male ego destruction. Yet because this famous (or infamous, if you prefer) and funny DJ has come out of the closet so to speak; men with piddly little dicks can take a small measure of comfort in knowing that one of their own has made the world a little more comfortable for them.

So how big (or small) is Howard? Howard insists that he’s got a borderline micro-penis but micro penises are really small. In fact, they could be more accurately described as large clitorises. So if Howard does have a borderline micro-penis, then claiming he’s hung like an acorn would be overstating the size. But in the movie Private Parts (based on Stern’s autobiography), his wife, Allison admits that Howard is “Fine... just fine,” then adds, “Howard exaggerates.” In a moment of rare actual candor on the subject, Howard has admitted that his penis is between 5 and 6 inches. Hmm, if it is in fact between 5 and 6 inches (properly measured along the top of the penis (most guys measure from the sides and get and extra half inch or so – I know I do!) then Howard is, in fact, average. And not a low average either. According to most penis size studies, 5.5 inches is statistically, the medium, median and mode. We’re talking, top of the bell curve here.

So why does Howard think he’s small? Is it just a gimmick? My guess is no. I think Howard Stern probably does believe he’s small and I think there’s every possibility that if he pulled down his pants you might agree with him. When it comes to penises there are generally two different classes of men, those whose penises are small in the flaccid state but grow substantially when aroused (growers), and those who hang larger but don’t inflate very much when engorged (showers). I’ll be writing more about this phenomenon in a future column, but for the time being, suffice to say this is a genetic predisposition. African men tend to be showers. Asian men are usually growers and Caucasians are a mixture of both. My guess is that Howard, being one of the few white men at his high school, suffered from Woody Allen’s version of penis envy. By Stern’s own observation, the black men at his school were “hung like Rhinos”. Add to this the fact that Stern is 6’ 5” tall, which is 10 percent taller than average. Penis size is correlated very closely with general body size and by that measure Howard’s truncheon, while average for the general population, could be considered small for his body size. No wonder he figured he was short-changed.

So if Howard - despite his repeated and vociferous claims to the contrary - actually has a completely average dick, does he still deserve to be included in the Penis Hall of Fame? Absolutely! Because nobody has done more to make size-challenged men feel better about themselves. Stern recently held a televised small penis contest and teeny peeny men were lined up out the door for a chance to go on a cruise and star in a porno flick. They were petite, but thanks to Howard, they were proud!

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