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Nice Guy Syndrome

Ever treated a woman like a princess, only to be told "I like you as a friend," and then watched as she rode off into the sunset with a real douche-bag? Well, you're not alone. Unfortunately, nice guys are underappreciated and women miss out on men who are real gems because of it.

Nice guy syndrome can be extremely frustrating for the guy who is chivalrous, brings a woman gifts and treats her with respect; and then hears from her that "there's no chemistry." Ouch.

It seems like women only want the bad boy, the rebel, the man who treats her like crap. But what is it that attracts women to these men, and how can you compete with them?

What attracts women most about these bad boys is the excitement, the passion and most of all, the confidence. Bad boys tend to be overflowing with confidence, a trait that most women find very appealing. Bad boys exude mystery, are unpredictable, sexy and exciting.

My own theory is that some women also feel that all a bad boy needs is a good woman to "set him straight" and to love him into goodness. She'll see a bit of sensitivity and vulnerability in a bad boy that he doesn't display to anyone else. It may be real or contrived, but when a woman sees this she believes that she can turn a bad guy into a good guy. Her nurturing instinct goes into full gear. She feels that if she only nurtures and loves him enough then he'll become the man she is longing for. It makes her feel special and needed. But the thing is, a relationship won't survive if the main premise is one of changing the man into some pre-conceived ideal of perfection envisioned by the woman.

Paradoxically, women want to be treated with respect and be able to establish a commitment with a man who treats her well. She doesn't want to be jerked around and treated like dirt. So, nice guys do have an advantage, but it's a long-term advantage. While bad boys tend to do well in the short term, good guys tend to succeed in the long term. But the problem is, getting and keeping her attention in the first place.

How do you do that? The best advice I can give you is to maintain your nice guy status with one difference. Be a nice guy, but with an edge. You need to reject the premise that nice guys finish last, while honing your inner Don Juan. Now, in no way, would I ever suggest that you start mistreating or disrespecting women. This will not accomplish anything and will probably make you feel like a jerk as well. Hurting someone intentionally is not something that makes you feel good.

What you may find surprising is that being a nice guy with an edge actually has a lot to do with valuing and respecting yourself more (if you don't, then who will?). One of the biggest mistakes that I have seen nice guys make is to be too needy too quickly. When the smell of desperation is lingering in the air it's a big turnoff to women. How can a woman feel special when a man is projecting needy desperation?

In the beginning, don't be so available to her. Remember, you have your own life and you don't need everything to revolve around her. There's nothing wrong with a little bit of mystery and intrigue. Nice guys often care too much too soon, and forfeit their power. They make the woman too important right away, giving everything and expecting little. Why should she value you if you don't value yourself? By appearing too needy you lose any negotiating power you may have had. You will appear weak.

Enjoy other aspects of your life. Don't drop everything for her at a moment's notice. I'm not suggesting that you ignore her, you still want to project interest, just don't be so desperately available. You need to send the message that while you do like her and want to see her, you also have other exciting things going on in your life. And if you don't have other interesting things in your life? Well, get out there and develop some!

Always maintain your nice guy status - just make sure it doesn't devolve into doormat status. Live your life and don't be too consumed by a new person too quickly. You can lose a part of yourself and head down a path of relationship implosion. Be confident in who you are as man. Confident that you have something good to offer a woman. Confident in your worth - no matter what you are doing. Create a little bit of mystery and surprise. One of the problems nice guys face is that being "too nice" can be predictable and boring to a woman.

And remember that while you are agonizing over why a particular hottie doesn't even notice you, you may be overlooking that nice girl right in front of you, who would just love to spend some time getting to know a nice guy like you.

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