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Yuk! Why You're a Lousy Kisser

Never underestimate the seductive power of a sublime kiss for women. Men who are skillful lovers know the importance of great kissing to a woman. Think of it as "upper persuasion for a lower invasion."

But I'm betting that once you're past that first kiss, you are probably more concerned about when you can move your hands and lips farther south. Fellas, before you can move your advance downwards, you must concentrate your efforts upwards. No matter how skilled or accomplished a lover you are, no matter how much you turn her on, if you can't kiss well then women will have a hard time respecting you as a skilled lover. The truth is, bad kissing is a huge turnoff for women.

OK, here's where I tell you how not to kiss. In Part II we'll explore women-pleasing (and hopefully pleasing to you as well) kissing techniques.

Here's what to avoid:

  • The Deep Throat Kiss
    This is when someone puts their tongue DEEP down your throat; probing places you didn't even know existed. I don't know what they are hoping to find, but triggering the gag reflex is not part of a sexy interlude.
  • The Black-Hole Kiss
    Wider and wider and wider... Until the mouth is a gaping hole that threatens to suck you in. These kinds of kisses often encompass not just the mouth, but the chin and nose as well, making it difficult to breath. Having to give your sweetie CPR in order to get her breathing again means there'll be no lovin' later. Or ever.
  • The Slobberer
    You don't feel the need to bathe, yet this kiss begs to differ. Forehead, cheeks, jaw, chin, nose - you name it - that tongue is everywhere. Its sloppy, unappealing and the thought of that tongue slobbering over the body... yuk. If we wanted a tongue bath on our faces we'd get a dog - and the pooch would be more skilled at it.
  • Toxic-Waste Kiss
    My most despised kiss. You wonder what crawled into their mouth and died. If your lover passes out with their eyes rolled back into their head, then check your breath. Maintain good dental hygiene. Pop a mint. Do whatever you can to make your mouth appealing and fresh and half the battle for a great kiss is already won.
  • Novocaine Kiss
    Call the paramedics! Lifeless, limp, just hanging there. This man may quite possibly be dead. And even if the tongue makes it into the mouth, it just lays there like a bloated, rotting whale on the beach. Where's the passion? Where's the movement? What woman wants to feel blubbery, lifeless lips?
  • Snake Kiss
    He has cool, dry lips and a tongue that darts in and out; flicking so rapidly you would swear you can hear him hissing. You're afraid to open your eyes for fear of seeing slitted-pupil eyes and fangs dripping with venom.
  • Broken-Dam Kiss
    Head for the hills! The dam has broken and threatens to sweep away everything in its path! Don't get me wrong, a wet and sloppy kiss has its place. But when you need a life preserver to swim to shore, its not a good thing. No one wants to feel in peril during a kiss. Control your saliva.
  • The Dentist's Kiss
    You feel like you should be in a chair with a bright light shining into your mouth. This kind of kiss cleans your gums, scrubs your teeth and scrapes your tongue. The only thing missing is the fluoride. As your mouth is being given an unsexy dental inspection your tendency to drool may kick in. You can only hope they came prepared with suction.
  • Rabid Weasel Kiss
    This is when the tongue seems out of control. It goes into the mouth and starts whipping around with no regard to the fact that there's another tongue in there. There's no plan or artistry in the dance. It's just flying around really fast and all over with no apparent control. It's like a balloon that suddenly loses its air, flying crazily around the room. Only the room is your mouth.
  • Land of the Lost Kiss
    This kiss sounds like you are in a jungle - with smacking, squealing, grunting, clicking noises. You don't know what's out there, but it doesn't sound good. It's hard to focus on sex when all you can hear is the various weird sounds coming from your partner.
  • Brick Wall Kiss
    Moving in for a kiss, you encounter instead an impenetrable brick wall. There's no give. These lips are locked down tighter than Fort Knox. Check for "Do Not Enter" signs. Some people don't like any kind of tongue contact, but if that's the case, at least be sure your lips are soft, relaxed and parted just a bit.

Do you recognize yourself in these kiss fails? Congrats if you don't; it means you may already possess the necessary talents to make a woman swoon using your lips alone. If you do see yourself here, then check back for my next column with tips on how to become a great kisser. Believe me, women will thank you for it; and the better your action on top, the better the action will be down below!

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